i think i'm going crazy. With Shain gone, I was doing Ong King all by myself, most of the time while working. Now, even though she's back, there's so much to do. I'm running around all the time, picking up speakers, writing press releases, trying to hold things together... And trying to pack and move, to do a freelance project, to take care of my health, to at least say hi to people I love... So far I feel like it's being held together, at least a little bit. I took Christmas Day off, and most of the following day, which was really really nice. But now I'm thinking I should've been packing like I'd planned...

Today's blog is brought to you by the letter D, and the word Overwhelmed.

rather than putting on a cd while i clean, i have super talented musicians who want to give me private concerts. Travis Levity (you can't really see him in this video, but it's the best I found as far as sound goes) stopped by the space today, and I'd planned to spend the day cleaning and sorting. I asked if he had any music, meaning a computer or something, but instead he just created music for me. All day. It was lovely.

i am: bone tired, happy, conflicted, and nervous.

Bone tired because I have 4 jobs. And it's Christmas which means shopping in my spare time, and trying to figure out everything that needs to get done before 2009 comes to a close. Currently, there is no down time. My down time is when I have 5 minutes to sit down and either eat, call friends n family, or make business calls. I am burning the candle at 5 ends, and the candle only has 2.

Happy because I love where life is going. I love Sunday Open Stage. Tonight, Shain decorated the place to look Christmas-ey, and we had a potluck. We had a lot of spoken word. And, we had a lot of music, including several impromptu jam sessions that were Incredible. We have amazingly talented artists coming to this space. Tonight we had a woman who got up and did stand up. It was her first time in the space (we had several super talented newbies), she was really funny, and I'd never seen anyone do stand up at Open Stage before. And we were asked to be part of a fringe festival. Excited. Happy. Soul food.

Conflicted because, with all of these changes, I'm not sure who to trust. It seems like everyone's warning me about someone else. I meet new people every day now, and many more people know my name than I can reciprocate. Which makes me feel terrible. But anyways, I'm working with all of these new people, or getting to know old friends on new levels, and I just don't know which people to trust and which ones not to, yet. I'll figure it out over time, and for now I'm just keeping myself on an even keel, but it's a little disconcerting to have so many people tugging me in different directions.

And, in closing, I'm nervous that I will not wake up in 5 hours like I need to. I have 4 alarms set. I am so so so tired, though. Think good waking up thoughts for me.

it's early. Dark-outside-already early. I flipped around in my bed, dreaming of a baby rhinoceros, before I stumbled into the shower. Now, it's an hour before I start work, and I feel pretty awake and ready to go at it. Maybe I'll do this every morning. Up early so I can function the rest of the day.

Let me just tell you, I'm going to be taking comfort in the thought that I can go to bed early tonight.

Wow. I'm laaaaaaammme.

i'm not breaking out per se, but my pores are mad clogged. Stress. Or, living... I've slept without the fan on in my room for the past few nights b/c it's kinda chilly, and when I wake up my eyes hurt and I'm stuffed up and sneeze a lot. Mold and grossness abound in this room. It doesn't help that I've been superbusy and so my clothes, etc are piled everywhere.

I'm ending up doing most of the planning for First Friday. Which is fine because I know most of the people that are performing. It's just making freelancing difficult (nonexistent), and means that I spend a lot of time on the phone or meeting people or writing up stuff. Which is great, and is what managing an art space entails. Just, also means next-to-no sleep. And absolutely no time for me.

The day job is good--it keeps me going all day long. There's barely time to use the lua if I need to, let alone send off a txt to a performer/friend/newspaper (that's right, bitches, we're makin the news!). Lunches are short and filled with hospital food. But somehow when work is over I feel energized most days. It's almost like playing one of those time management games online.

bedtime now.

always good to see carol. Always.

Money makes people ugly sometimes. I love that my parents made sure that I know that it's a means to an end, not an end. Those "If someone offered you a million dollars to..." questions were never, actually, a question. If anyone offered me X amount of dollars to do something, the answer is always No. As long as it's compromising my values. Money is just something we decided was valuable along the way. Those pieces of paper are convenient when you want to buy a car, or pay rent--and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the value of money. It took me years to understand that money isn't something to be shunned. But, in the end, your life is what you make of it. It's the friends, family, the Passion that makes your life. Not the checking account.

I thank God that I have a sense of business. I never took myself as a business woman, but I do have a knack for it. Because what we're going into needs a good business mind, which it didn't have before--as I'm learning. I'm thankful that I've had really excellent teachers along the way. It's funny how life prepares you for life. This art space, as I've heard from multiple people now, needs a good business mind.

On a different note, I had more, but I need to wind down and go to bed. Bed=calling me.

praise God from whom all blessings flow...

including staying home from work, legitimately. The Doctor has the stomach flu today, so I get to stay home. And after the last two days I've had, this is much, much needed. Freelancing and laundry, here I come.

thankfully i work well at mach speed. Because, right now, that's necessary.

Things at the art studio are going well. We really just need a working shower, and then we'll be good to rock. Tonight at open mic we had a lot of new people--which is great. We got a band to open for first Friday for us, and we're going to do the hip hop show later in the month. What I want is for graffiti artists to come in and just take over the walls. Because we need to strip them and sand them and repaint them anyways. So I just want them to tag the whole open space--the stairway, the lanai walls, the backyard walls. That would be Great. Capital G great.

Work is good--thankfully I have a lot of work. But, wow. I have a lot of work.

Sometimes I wonder how energy flows. (Complete change of topic, by the way.) There's this guy that comes by the art space and does a lot of extreme Energy/Buddhist/Neo-type presentations. I try not to get into the religio-philosophic realm with him, for several reasons that I don't feel like listing. But tonight as I was leaving open mic he called me back, and said he was full of energy and wanted to pass it on to me. He put his hands on my shoulders, and after a short while he withdrew them and told me that I was full of love. My heart chakra, he said, was basically overpowering. Thumping. I almost felt like he didn't want to continue touching me because it was overpowering. He never said that, though.

But he did say something about me being fierce. I told him that, in everything I choose to do, I'm always fierce. I love fiercely, I'm fiercely loyal... He said that he could tell, that I'm like a tiger. And I realized that he's the first person to use that word for me other than myself. That he felt that the seat of my soul is in my heart. That even though everyone calls me peaceful, there's fire in my veins. And he saw it.

I guess I just wonder how all of these human souls are connected. Why I feel my "radar" go off when far-away friends are in tough spots, why my mom and I call each other at the exact same moment, why people are drawn to each other... Just the general turning of the world, all the things we can't explain. That's what I'm thinking about tonight.

beautiful beautiful beautiful day.

After work (where Dr. gave my eyes a clean bill of health), I rushed home, changed clothes, and rushed down the hill to pick up my friend B. For those of you who haven't heard, the waves yesterday were over 40 ft. Something I had to see, even if it was at night. B and I drove to the North Shore as it got dark. She'd brought a pizza and a bottle of wine and we drove in my new car with the sunroof open. We talked about life and God and humanity and family and we laughed. A lot. We got to the beach and sat and ate and drank.

The waves were so big, the spray was thick and at least 4-5 ft high. It looked like the water was reaching claw after claw into the beach, raking away the sand, trying to get at something. Or someone. So much force behind each wave, and each receding wave either clashed against or was enveloped by the next. And the sound! Oh, the sound. It was low and rumbling like thunder. You could even feel it in your stomach sometimes as the waves fought with each other. All this arcing, roiling madness was taking place under the clearest sky I've seen in ages. Not a single cloud for a good 3 hours. The stars were ridiculous. The ocean was ridiculous. The air was cold. And B and I just camped out on the sand for a while, soaking in the salt air.

We've both suffered recent losses, hers more recent than mine. Last week, she lost a baby she'd been carrying for nearly 2 months. I know the cavernous ache that losing Grandpa created inside of me--I can only imagine how it feels to lose something that was, actually, inside of you. She is strong in a way that recognizes how she feels. I admire that she's not really OK. Because, honestly, sometimes in life you're just not okay. I admire her for many reasons. This is just the one I saw today.

Video of Lindsey Button (from undergrad), for those of you who know her.

http://newvalleychurch.org/media/video.html

this whole thing is exciting and scary and frustrating. I mean, I like it. I like it better when See (the original owner/creator/everything of Ong King) is there to do the mic. Because he's super great in front of a crowd. Me? Not so much.

Tonight was fun, and before the open mic we had a meeting. And every time we have a meeting I get a little nervous and a little scared. Which is good, I guess. We have people that are really excited about what we're doing. And people who still don't know. And all things in between. And I start work again tomorrow... and I'm tired... and I just want to be living in Ong King already and doing the artist stuff and walking to my day job and not having to deal with other people's control issues. Especially when they want to control my life.

Sigh.

home.

It's great to be back on island, even though I miss my family terribly. Already. Such is life, I guess. I came home to masses of things to do. And, to sneezing. I need to get out of this house--as great as Uncle is, I just can't stop sneezing in this place. Too much mold and dust.

The visit was wonderful. Banana Schpeel was great, great great. The Palmer Hotel is incredibly beautiful. The city had the same energy and feel that I love in the holidays. My parents were good company, as always. It was good. Good times.

Now, over the next three days, I have two good friends that are leaving the island on Friday, so I need to see them; I have a stupid amount of phone calls to make; and Friday is First Friday so I have to host the event at the art space. Wish me luck!