in other news, i am the most popular girl in the world today. :) Well, I'm hearing from a lot of people. Some of them I want to hear from. Others, getting mail from them is like being punched in the stomach. But that's life, right? All things considered, the positive is more abundant.

i haven't been here in two years. Long enough to see it with new eyes.

I can see my breath and I forgot how fun it is to watch it curl into the sky. This place is quaint--cozy pizzerias, artsy coffee shops, piles of white glistening snow. I realized how well my parents have done for themselves. I think I knew, but pulling into our subdivision and being slightly disoriented because of the dark and how much time has passed--I realized how nice this place is. Huge houses, huge yards (remember, I've been living in Hawai'i, where everything is mini compared to here), BMWs, Porsches, Mercedes, trees and professionally hung lights, it's a nice neighborhood. So much of our house is redecorated now, and my mom has such great taste... I don't know if it's because things here are so much grander and more extravagant than on the islands, but it just seems so...rich. Nicely done, ma and pop.

I've long felt that I didn't quite fit in here, and it's so wonderful to be back but I really know that I'm just visiting. I'll take a Fight Club house in Hawai'i over granite counters anywhere else.

There are pictures of me everywhere. Of all of us. It's nice to have so many reminders of my life around, and to know that my family looks at them every day.

i'm in my childhood home. Well, not CHILDhood, but the one I grew up in.

I had the first non-fun travel experience (second, if you count my 10-hour layover on the way to Oz). I got airsick on the first plane, then had a terrible stomachache and was nauseous and couldn't sleep. Then the second flight had constant turbulence. Not exaggerating. Three constantly-crying babies, flight attendants behind me whispering about how we shouldn't be in the air b/c of the weather, a creepily smitten 18-year-old boy next to me with NO game who was PERSISTENT... And somehow I still slept b/c the previous flight had been so exhausting. When we landed in Chicago the woman on the p.a. and said it was "a miracle" we'd landed. Weather that bad.

i love christmas. And present wrapping, even though it takes me for.e.ver. Shup, I'm not anal.

i dreamt lettuce was growing. In my bellybutton, of all places. Though disturbing to me, this is what dream dictionary says:

Lettuce
To see lettuce growing in your dream, signifies that you will finally have a moment of pure bliss and pleasure.

Navel
To see your navel in your dream, represents your being and self. The dream may indicate that you need to find your center and middle ground.

Pure bliss coming from inside me? Sounds long overdue.

off kilter

i'm having one of those off days, where everything just seems out of sorts. Off two days, actually, I felt the same yesterday. Phases like this make me glad that life is full of phases, that no one situation or feeling is the exact same throughout our lives. I need to get to the ocean.

it's tuesday. This is what I'm thinking about:

Narwhals. They think they know what the tooth is for now!! (which i know thanks to my housemate)

golem. He was a Hebrew figure that Tolkien actually pulled from. Smart guy.

encouragement.

Christmas lights. I want to be completely enveloped in Christmas lights. I love them. But, since that might get hot and poke-y, I'm just going to hang some up tonight. And, as much as I love Hawai'i's Christmas lights because they're so different (blooming flowers and jumping dolphins and Santa is barefoot!)--nothing compares to Chicago at Christmastime. I'm so excited to go downtown and look at the lights and be all cold and it's going to be GREAT!

Cute:


Christmas:

Saturday sailing!

today

is beautiful.

let it go

it's hard for me to not take things personally sometimes. I'm having a logistical argument with my old roommate, and she made it personal (questioning my character). I know that she did that to get under my skin, and it's not a question of character. However, knowing that and accepting that are two different things. I've been listening to this song all day, and it makes me feel better. But I still feel a little bruised.

got SO MUCH done today n yesterday. Am much happier woman, even though had to miss roomie's presentation. Boo. But--love roomies, love life, and even (surprise!) love waking up early lately. Which also means sleeping earlier. Boo.

On the plus side, the little black ants have stopped making my bed their home, too. Well, mostly.

getting my sh*t together

i'm tryin... I rented a car and it was good to run the errands I had to. I feel better about life. More able to focus on school stuff. Kinda.

I have to write a letter that I really, really don't want to write. Conflict+Dana=Stress. But all I can do is explain myself and then let what will happen, happen. Whew. Wish me luck. Better yet, wish me clarity.

Best. Friends. Ever.

i've said it before and i'll say it again: anywhere i go, i meet the best people around.

Tonight, I hung out with my friend Carolina. Her parents were part of one of the (many) Argentinian revolutions. We always have good conversation. And then my good friend Karina, who was born in Cape Verde and moved to Sweden at a young age and speaks 6 languages fluently, joined us. We ended up in a voices-raised-debate about Iraq, the IMF/WB, colonization, and...well, everything. We were all on the same page, in the most important ways, but still disagreeing. And then we went to Ke Kai's, an "all inclusive" bar in town (one of my favorite places!). We danced and sang and laughed, and sometimes we talked about the IMF/WB/world issues.

I love that I have friends that I can have real conversations with. I love disagreeing and still being ok with each other.

I also love sleep. So, g'night, world.

you can tell it's finals time

the university internet connection is S-L-O-W.

Uncle Den

my uncle died over thanksgiving. He was my favorite uncle when I was young; he was big and loud and had the softest beard in the world. I remember when I was about 6, I loved to climb into his lap and snuggle up and play with his beard. He told me that I'd make a good wife someday because I was so loving. At 6, my response was probably just to shrug and asked him for ice cream.

When people pass, we are not normally sad for them, but rather for those left behind. I find myself in both positions this time, though. Sad for us--who lost a brother, father, son, uncle--but sad for him as well. Somewhere along the line, he'd given up, and wasn't able to choose to live as he wanted. I am a strong believer that you accept people for who they are, and you love them in full knowledge of even the things that frustrate you about them. His choices often frustrated me, and everyone who loved him. The man he was when he died, the life he was living, was not what any of us would've chosen for him. Was not what he would've chosen for himself if his mind had been clearer. I know he was waiting to pass on, and I'm hoping he's happier now than he was on earth. And I'm choosing to remember the fun, booming, larger-than-life presence of his younger days.

it's amazing how much can change in two years. I'm coming back to this blog, but things seem so much different--maybe not logistically, but definitely internally.

I'm still going to school, but (thank God!) it's my last semester. So if anyone wants to hire me, please do. I moved out of my old beautiful house into a new beautiful house. Maybe not outwardly (termites and dirty linoleum, anyone?), but the wonderful wonderful people that live here make it a beautiful place to live. As always, I'm surrounded by good friends and insightful people. I'm continuing to learn how to be the woman I want to be.

I'm learning more about Hawaiian culture, and had a family hanai me in. Even though my hanai tutu (grandma) gives me a hard time for being so old and knowing so little, she's willing to teach me. And my roomie has been teaching me a TON of things about Hawai'i. I'm much more well versed now, guys. So be prepared for lots of discussion over Christmas!

Things are going well. I feel like God brought me to Hawai'i to learn and grow, and that's definitely what's been happening. It's like a flood. And we all know that I'm stubborn, so sometimes it feels like I have to be bashed over the head with a new lesson before I fully grasp it. It's good--growing and listening and learning are always good things--and sometimes it's overwhelming. I feel like I'm re-learning things I really should know by now, and sometimes I just want a rest from the humility that learning and growth bring with them. But I am thankful that I always have the chance to become a better version of myself.

Well hopefully I'll keep up with this blog this time around. Maybe now is the right time. As is, it's a beautiful day outside and I need to go sit in the pretty and appreciate life.