i've been compared to a horse twice that i remember. At 14, I was taller and broader than most of my classmates. I could bench 200 pounds, I was on swim team, I ran every morning... and still always always just felt fat, rather than big. I made some flippant comment about my fat to my dad, and he told me that no, I wasn't fat, I was strong. Built like a horse. Although I knew at the time that this was a compliment, it didn't do much to boost my teenage self-esteem.

The other day I showed up at Frank's place straight after work, slacks and all. Guess the pants fit me well because the Guy kept commenting on my legs. "You walked up here like a Shetland Pony," he said. I guess it's a compliment I have to get used to.

i started with so many thoughts, and they all dissipated.

I don't really know what to do with my life, anymore. I've always known until the last couple of years, and it leaves me somewhat on edge. I feel like I'm regressing when I should be moving forward. I guess everyone goes through the "what should i be when i grow up" stage at some point, I'm just going through mine late in life. Hawai'i is the only Home I've ever known. But--

On a different note, one of the dogs got sick today and we had to take her to the emergency vet. Rather than cleaning/organizing/washing dogs/taking my compy to the Apple store/etc/etc, I sat in bed with a slightly smelly dog on my lap. Her tiny, skinny body awkwardly positioned--the only way she would have it--and her constant panting interrupted my movie. But when I put her to bed she seemed nearly normal again. Love heals.

I've also decided that I need to get a job. A real one. One that pays me a livable wage.

Last night, I dreamt about a tiny lil kitten that could fit in my pocket, named Nomi, which means beautiful in Hebrew.

drinking beck's makes me feel like i'm in ewa again. Things seem much less desperate now. Life is a little more settled and worth living.

The boyfriend and I had our first argument today, if you can call it that. And not that I break things off at the first sign of trouble, but I wonder how much of him is for me. If we'd just be better off hanging out. Though, his cousin's daughter ran into his room yesterday and called him "Auntie Dana's man!" and ran out giggling. He's a part of my family--my hanai family--and I don't know where to go, if we should call it quits before it'd be painful to see each other down the line, or if we should stick it out to see if it'd go somewhere real. I'm too tired to think about it tonight.

I worked the Ziggy Marley concert. It was fun, though it felt like he was in a routine--the songs just didn't have much heart behind them. Afterwards (which, he didn't even do ONE hana hou, btw) I went into the back to clean, and there he was, five feet in front of me. He looked at me and smiled. Again, being the non-star-struck person I am, I just smiled, picked up the recycling and left the room. Wanted to be done. It was a looooong day.

I'm enjoying where things are. Now I just need to get paid.

Oh, and, I'm still longing for that bath. Just an hour undisturbed. Sounds like heaven to me.