about a month ago, i found out a friend of mine died. They don't know why. I wrote a big, long, rambling post about him at the time. I never actually posted it--because it was a big, long, rambling post. But I watched Deadliest Catch tonight, and saw him on there with his giant smile and his laugh, and I heard his voice, and I miss him. So here are some of the good parts from that past post:
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here's the thing: when someone you love dies, you're never ready for it. Even my grandpa, who was well into his 80's and had to go to dialysis--actually, especially my grandpa--I wasn't ready for.

When I was in Alaska, things were alright for a while. There were shenanigans, boats catching fire, boats almost sinking, me with the inability to use my hands--all of the things you think happen on a boat. But then we docked. And Mitch and I didn't really know what to do with each other. I mean, we were supposed to be in love, but really we just weren't getting along, and we had been hired to paint the boat over a one month period of time. So, we spent a month acutely aware of each other, working next to each other, while simultaneously wanting to claw each others eyes out.

Enter Justin. He was on the Time Bandit, tied up across from us. He was a giant, lovely man with a big laugh who was always down to hang out with... well, anyone, it seemed. When things were bad between Mitch and I, he would ease me. When I was left alone to do work on the boat, Justin would make jokes that kept me going all day.

Life on the docks is different. I never knew if I should talk to someone or if I would be better served to just punch them in the face. So, I was wary when we first spoke. I barely remembered the guys from the Time Bandit. And then, I was leaving to get supplies for our boat, and Justin was sitting at the dock, talking about how they were all having a family "reunion" but he was over it. "It's too much," he said, "even though they're all my family, too." So I sat with him for a minute, just shootin the sh*t, talking about how intimidating family gatherings can be. He was off to his Grandma's house. His Grandma, according to him, was the most wonderful woman the Lord had ever made. After I ran my errands, I was disappointed not to see him still waiting.

This giant, hard-lived man would spill his guts. I mean, he was friendly with everyone, and he was a talker. Within our first few conversations, I learned all about his family, his kids, his regrets and his current state of mind... and, mostly, how his grandma was "the sh*t." He was so proud of his kids. He was so excited to be on the Time Bandit and making something of himself. He was a really great man.

After a while, he was quieter and would ask me all about myself. He knew how to talk and he knew how to listen. He invited us over to his boat to "look at pictures of pretty sh*t." And he showed Mitch and me a bunch of pictures from a recent trip. He was amazed at how beautiful everything was.

And, he was my buddy!! He made me laugh and helped me feel sane when I was doubting myself and feeling alone. He was the first one who verbally told me that what Mitch was doing was bullshit. One night when I was alone on that creepy boat in that scary dock, and not for the first time, he came over to borrow some flour (not kidding!). He walked onto my boat, tucked my hair behind my ear, and told me that he would never leave me alone.

He made everything better. Justin had the incredible ability to make me feel like everything in the world was right. Even when nothing was. For a short period of time, he was what actually made my life alright. And I'm not just saying that because he passed on. He really was that person for me. Maybe he was that person for a lot of us at the Homer dock.

He passed away in February. I can't find a reason why. Literally. They don't know. Maybe it was the hard living when he was younger--I know he was mostly off drugs when he died. I don't know. It would be easier if I knew. I think I may have gone back to Alaska for the season if I knew he'd be there. We had a few loose ends, at least on my part.

I wasn't ready for him to go.