today was beautiful. Unnervingly, divinely beautiful. I woke up wondering where my passion had gone to find, by the end of the day, that direction does not equal passion. My passion is still there--I've always been a woman with fire in her veins--I just don't have an outlet yet.

To the coffee shop encounters, the sunsets at the beach, the unwitting messengers of God--Thank you.

i dove headfirst into the mindless, for a while. I think it was because I couldn't shut my brain off, but celebrity gossip and online tv definitely could. Now, I'm ready for my brain to turn back on.

last night was carnival and i went to the block party downtown for little while. I've gone every year, but this year I really wouldn't have minded not going. It was fun, though, to see everyone painted and dancing like fools.

at 6:15, i was woken up with a txt from an old friend that i haven't heard from in a long time. I figured he'd txted me on accident, but carried on the conversation. After 40 minutes, we both realized that he had, in fact, txted the wrong person. It was still good to hear from him. Too bad I can't go to lunch in Texas today.

I got to thinking about life, got a little depressed, and went back to sleep. Where I dreamt of Capt. Jean-Luke Picard of the star ship Enterprise. And woke up feeling a little better about life.

the more loving one

auden has been running through my mind lately. The poem posted below, to be exact.

I may be terrible for saying this, but I think I disagree with him. I don't think I would rather be the more loving one--at least, not in romance. I say this only because I know me. I know the way I treat people and the lengths I will go to for them. I know how serious commitment is to me, how much I try to see things from other people's perspectives, and that looking out for those I love and taking care of their needs comes naturally for me. And I'm learning that this isn't normally how people treat people. So, I think, in romance I'd rather have him be the more loving one. Because, in addition to overly-loving, I am under-believing when it comes to love. I may believe that you love me, but I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Although, now that I reread the poem, I have been in that situation before and it SUCKS. I really don't like being confronted with someone who honestly passionately loves you, and you just can't quite get there for them. So, maybe I don't disagree.

Are relationships ever, really, equitable? I thought for a while I was in one that was. He of course made the same self-depreciating comments that all guys make (women, a word of advice that I've learned over the years: if a man warns you, heed the warning.) but I thought we were, in some way, on the same page. We weren't. We were in different books, in different libraries, in different countries on different continents, written in different languages. But, for a time, I thought we were in balance, we'd achieved reciprocity. We were working on autonomy and interdependence, that I knew. But I think I will forever be working on that one--too independent for my own good.

I don't necessarily think it's a judgment call: that equity is "good" but if one person is more enamored over the other it's "bad." I think relationships are a jumble of whatever works for those two people at that time. I'm just curious, is it always a little out of balance? Do two people ever truly love each other, or is there always a more loving one?


The More Loving One

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

-- W. H. Auden

this fish is great. It's got a transparent head.

Research is going okay. Slow but okay. I'm getting excited about the subject, which should help propel me through the next 2 months of intense research and writing.

Job search is going poorly. It's hard not to get disheartened. I think I need to stop by the temp agencies this week, just to at least be out there, working. Once I have some source of income and schedule, things should look up a bit.

opinions

i know none of y'all comment on here, but if you feel so inclined, i'd love opinions.

I'm starting some serious research on my thesis (I know, I know, about time.). I'm looking at books, and there are a lot out there I would love to read that I think would be beneficial for my research.

For the product: I wouldn't have to haul around massive amounts of books. I would keep it, and I'm a big time reader (normally) so I'm sure I'd use it a lot. Though, I do love the feel of a book in my hands. Books are generally about $10, which I could beat with used bookstores, however I'm going to order my research on express delivery so I'll be spending extra money on that.

For research: I guess the "highlight" tool isn't that great, but I'm assuming it has some sort of ctrl+f function that would come in super handy. And, again, not hauling books everywhere I go like normal. And, it reads to you! So when I'm tired of reading or if I want to be doing other stuff, I can just listen to my books--without having to buy the audio version.

For money: I think it's $359. Which is a lot.

HOLY CRAP.
nevermind. I just looked up the books they have on NAFTA, and there are only 15. Five of which are $80 or over--like, up to $140. Crap. And the rest just look sucky. So, question answered. But I'm gonna post this anyway. :)

i don't know if this recent juicing/fasting/cleansing agreed with my body that much. Today I feel exhausted and foggy headed. But, since it'd been three days, today I can eat. Once I get enough energy to leave my room.

I did a liver cleanse two days ago and it was wonderful. It felt like I took a shower on the inside, for the first time. I've felt pretty loopy the past few days, actually. I guess the juicing is doing it to me.

Last night I dreamt of our house, and our roommates, and the yin/yang. Weird weird weird.

today was the liver cleanse. It was much more intense than last time--I think I used half of the recipe on accident last time, though. Afterward, I felt like my insides had taken a shower. And sort of felt euphoric. Now, I'm just sleepy.

i want to write again. Along with all of this cleansing and renewal, I'm regaining my passionate side. Writing has always been like breathing to me, and I haven't been breathing for a good 2 years. My soul can tell.

making space

it's cold, near-breathlessly still, and dark.

I was going to sleep, but I can feel my heart beating in the scar on my left foot and it's keeping me awake.

Life has been good and changing. I'm trying to be conscious of... well, everything. But especially of cleansing. Physically, of course, especially since I want to solidify some changes I believe have taken place. But in other areas. Emotionally, letting go of baggage that I've carried for way too long. Spiritually, turning over the soil for good things to grow again. Spatially, making room around me to prepare for whatever life is bringing me.

Seems I've been cleaning all the time lately. I think this is a part of the reason why. When blessings come, I want clean open space to place them in. Strike that. When blessings come, I want to live them out in clean, open space. Including my soul.

reminded of why i love rumi

These spiritual window-shoppers,
who idly ask, 'How much is that?' Oh, I'm just looking.
They handle a hundred items and put them down,
shadows with no capital.

What is spent is love and two eyes wet with weeping.
But these walk into a shop,
and their whole lives pass suddenly in that moment,
in that shop.

Where did you go? "Nowhere."
What did you have to eat? "Nothing much."

Even if you don't know what you want,
buy something, to be part of the exchanging flow.

Start a huge, foolish project,
like Noah.

It makes absolutely no difference
what people think of you.

-- Rumi, 'We Are Three', Mathnawi VI, 831-845

status

things have been really good lately. After a few not-so-good years, it feels great to be able to say that.

more to come...

today

was a sad/beautiful/intense jumble of a day. i feel like i lived at least 3 days instead of just one. i'm exhausted, but very, very happy.

My new name

to me, names are extremely important. I think they represent more than just a labeling system--in some ways people are the embodiment of their names. Though it is not always true, lots of times names are indicative of personalities. Example: Billys tend to be sweet and insightful; Chrystals and Ambers tend to be crazy; Peters tend to be extremely individualistic; just to name a few.

Basically, I feel that names mean a lot. Maybe it's because I'm so into language, and because I think that words spoken aloud have power, and a name is something you're always hearing, directed at you. To Hawaiians, names were symbolic and treasured as well. When you entered into new phases in your life, sometimes a new name was given.

My hanai Tutu (adoptive grandmother) named me about a year ago. To be named by Kapuna is a great honor to me and my name is something I've treasured. But every time I tried to go by that name I was met with resistance somehow. I think I hadn't grown into it yet. Lately I've been using it more, introducing myself with it, thinking of myself in its terms. So, if you hear me introduce myself differently, don't be taken back. :)

My Hawaiian name: Malie (mah-lee-eh)
meaning: calm, peaceful; strong presence

And, Tutu said, it means I'm stubborn too. How appropriate.

i feel like there is too much to say and too little space to say it in.

i forgot how music is food for my soul. Wonder why I've ignored the new stuff for so long.

I also forgot how lonely it is when I lock myself in my room for a whole day, working. Necessary, but a lil lonely.