Discord

"We have an awesome responsibility to remember who we are."

-Rev. Calvin Culpepper

today i am fasting. Each time my stomach growls I thank God for all They have done for me.

I'm not sure what I'm in the process of learning, honestly. It seems discordant, and there is no neat little bow to wrap it all up with. It's like a pile of clothes on the floor, and you don't know what's dirty and what's clean and you have no hamper to just shove it all into--and would you really want to mix it all together, if you could? That's what my brain is like right now.

I guess it comes down to responsibility. The responsibility of who we are, and the responsibility of living. There will always be things about me that I don't like--and there will always be a part of me that wants to point out those shortcomings to myself. I know I'm hard on myself. I've always been, and that's not likely to go away. So there's this part of me that, honestly, wants to bring me down. At the same time I honestly love who I am and have worked hard to become a woman I can be proud of. I've come to accept my mistakes as positive things--a professor in my undergrad said that "It's a mistake not to make mistakes." And that opened up worlds to me. If I'm not making mistakes, I'm not growing and moving forward. But then I want to beat myself up over mistakes. And round and round we go.

Add to that the responsibility of walking this earth, especially as a person of passion and faith. Who we are is a great responsibility. We are given life and breath and brains and minds. The choices we make will create waves and change the world's course. If the wings of a butterfly can cause a hurricane, then surely our daily actions can have an impact. Living actively and with purpose is a powerful thing.

On Sunday the reverend spoke directly to the discord I was feeling. There is a place in life where perception is splintered: between who we are and who we want to be, between our current life and the life we hope for.

Oswald Chambers says that when we encounter dismay, we need to live in it for a season rather than holding on to a better past or a brighter future. Dismay, Chambers says, is a discipline. We learn during these times. But, it's uncomfortable. Sitting with dismay was not my favorite thing to do.

I'm back to joyous thanks and excitement about the future. Still, with no resolve. Practicing living amongst discord.